My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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