Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
