I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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