I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
