i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
