when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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