I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
