He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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