I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
