his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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