so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
