she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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