every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
