Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
