your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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