I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
