I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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