I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
