I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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