you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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