K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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