You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
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This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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