i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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