I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
