i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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