if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
