I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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