Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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