Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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