Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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