you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
