im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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