He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
