did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
