I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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