Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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