ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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