I'm so fucking centered right now
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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