thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
