my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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