Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
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"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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