I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
