Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
