I think my fart just growled at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
