If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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