nut hugger
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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