Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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