Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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