cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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