Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
