Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
