...so i touched it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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