blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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