I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
